Today’s post is a little bit different! These are my written reflections on the topic of my father’s death, which I have decided to post in hopes of giving the very serious reminder of the impermanence of life. I hope this also would encourage all who read it to share the Gospel with someone today. Grief is a feeling that comes in waves, and while my words may convey sadness I have an eternal hope.
My father was an unbeliever, an alcoholic, and someone who verbally and intentionally blasphemed Our God in hopes of hurting me. He was also very funny, taught me to love people, and introduced me to many cool bits of pop culture from his time and my own. My father was a man made in the image of God corrupted by the Fall. He died without repentance or belief in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Although this post is being written in the year 2020, the title states the date 2017. This is due to the fact that my late father, who will never read this, died that date. I was able to speak to him a few days before that briefly, but our relationship had been strained (and almost non-existent) since my junior year of high school. This was largely due to his instability and my own immaturity– although the Lord saved me at age 14, I was largely ill-equipped spiritually for my high school years. During our conversation, which was more of a text-conversation, I was guarded and cold. I told him I loved him, and I did not get a response. Since then, the Lord has grown me and sanctified me in such a way that I now am able to see how my methodology, my actions, and my worldly thinking. I am thankful for His provision and goodness to me.
At age 21, I am divorced from where much of my head and heart was at that time. The most prevailing thought of sadness and regret is that I never fully shared the Gospel with my father.
Truthfully, he had heard bits and pieces from me and other members of my former church, but I see now the error of telling a man entrenched in his sin that God loves him and has a wonderful plan for your life. This simply wasn’t true, and I feel as though I have lied to him in stating this. I had never told my father that he was in NEED of saving because of his sin. Sin was bad, yes, but God loved him and if he believed in Jesus then he wouldn’t want to sin anymore.
My dad hated God, and I am not sure that hearing the one true Gospel from me would have changed that. In fact, the Lord oriented his life in such a way so that he did not– I underwent a massive worldview change from contemporary, complacent Christianity to the reformed world a little over a year later. Still though, I am not sure that the Lord would have changed my hardened heart towards him to even share the Gospel now. This is hard to admit.
To offer some finishing thoughts, I would like to plead with you all to share the Gospel on this day. Don’t share the Gospel because you have heard an emotional story from a young woman, but because we are commanded to (Matthew 28:20) and life itself is not guaranteed. The most loving thing we can do to serve the lost of this world is not to offer them smiles, monetary help, or friendship, but to tell them that they are sinners in need of a Savior.
I know where my dad is, and I know why, and my heart is not discontented. I am thankful to the Lord for showing His grace to a sinner like me! This is what I cling to when I remember my father and the opportunities I squandered. I am thankful to the Lord, for He is my hope! I long for the day that He comes back, and I pray it is soon. My confusion, sadness, and grief for the things and people of this world will be replaced by awe, reverence for, and a fuller knowledge of my Creator and my Savior.
2013